Wednesday, September 28, 2011

when you mess up

Hello! I feel like crap today.
Why? Because I deleted my signature? Well, that too.

But I also lied to the librarian.... :( Well, I was in a hurry to get a dvd, and in our library system, they don't let you check out DVDs unless you're 18. What I normally do is grab my mom's library card and go through self-checkout, but here they had a security feature on the DVD that prevents you from going through self-checkout.

And so at the checkout desk, the librarian asked if I was 18 and if it was my card, and my brain was not switched on very hard and I said yes to both questions. Then she checked the card and said "It's not really your card, is it?" And I was like "um... not really" And she said "Don't lie to me."(Well, she said "fib", but it's really the same thing. And so I got my mom to come in and get the DVD for me.

On the way home I started crying because I felt so bad. I'm not all that used to lying. And now I feel all messed up  and hypocritical, because I come on here and offer life advice to you people and then I go and mess up. And I'm on the church worship team and church leadership team and everyone is like "Aww, you're so nice." "Aww, you're a good Christian" and I'm not. And today was the day Qui had the really nice post about me...and I felt like I was going to cry because I felt fake.

And now non-Christians are going to look at me and cock their heads(well, at their computer screen) and think twice about me.

I did apologize to the librarian, but now I feel like I can never go back into the library :(. When I got home I read my Bible and asked for forgiveness, which is still the right thing to do. But I still feel sort of bad.

Psalm 130 3-4

3 If you, LORD, kept a record of sins,
   Lord, who could stand?
4 But with you there is forgiveness,
   so that we can, with reverence, serve you.

I know that we all mess up sometimes. Even the best Christians aren't perfect. God doesn't call for perfection. And sometimes, our sins are completely irreversible. There's just no way to make up some things.  

2 Samuel 14: 14 
Like water spilled on the ground, which cannot be recovered, so we must die. But God does not take away life; instead, he devises ways so that a banished person may not remain estranged from him 

God knows that there's no way to diminish the consequences of sins, "take back" the sins,  or stop sinning. He didn't take away the price of sin. Instead, he paid  for our sins so we can still go to heaven. I asked God to take away the guilt and replace it with his freedom, and I know he will. God already paid for this sin and all the sins I still have yet to make. But I still feel bad.

The signatureless Amaranthine.


  1. Even though we're Christians, we slip up and make mistakes like everyone else. The important part is that you know you did wrong and asked for forgiveness. I'm sure God will give you strength to do better next time!!


  2. At least you felt *guilty* about it. When I do things like that I laugh the whole way home. >.>

  3. My mother gave me the best advice ever when I messed up before. She said, "If everything was easy and going well, we wouldn't mess up. Making mistakes as Christians means we're doing something difficult for us, and God uses that to make us more like him." Paul constantly - constantly - struggled with his flesh. And blessings poured out of it.
    You're not doing this for the Christians watching you. You're not doing this for the non-Christians watching you. When you fail, you are not accountable to them. You're accountable to God, but look! He's already paid for it. :)

  4. Armarathine, you aren't a bad christian. If you were perfect, you'd be Christ. But you realized your error, and asked for forgiveness...THAT is what is big. And actually, it makes you a bigger person then any goody-two shoes. ((HUGS))

    Oh, and I pronouce your name

  5. Amaranthine, you just proved an amazing thing. You made a mistake and sinned, just like I and every being in creation have. But the amazing part is that you saw it, and asked forgiveness. Those who do not have Christ in their hearts move on, convicted and filled with guilt, and continue to sin. You made the right decision: You went to God and earnestly asked for forgiveness. That guilty feeling that remains? It's not from God. Satan wants to get in there and tell you "You must have messed up big time, God didn't remove your burden of guilt." Forget that feeling! Rejoice and believe the good news! Jesus has washed away your sin, and you are new! Nothing you do will ever change that. :) <3

  6. I'm with Qui, that's probably what I would've done too. Just feel good because you asked for forgiveness and admitted your mistake.

  7. You ARE a great person. The fact that you felt bad and repented shows that - and is probably the reason you are on the church leadership/worship team. Because you are the kind of person who is honestly striving to be good every day and help others. Love you! :)

  8. Hon, can I just give you a hug?? I really, really want to....

    Firstly, I have to applaud you for coming out here, on your blog, in public, and admitting something like that. I would never have the courage to announce to the world that I'm a sinner and tell them how my day went, honestly. (OO) I am so not kidding. I have done waaay worse than lying to librarian lately....
    Secondly, the fact that you WERE so convicted means that you're sensitive to the Spirit who is in you, and that is an encouraging thing. *nods*
    Thirdly, one bad thing doesn't make you fake anymore than one good thing would. You're a human being, a sinner saved by grace, and that's it. Being a Christian doesn't mean perfection, nor does it mean that you should beat yourself for messing up.
    You're gonna blow it. I'm gonna blow it. We're all gonna blow it. If not today, then tomorrow ;) But the fact of the matter is, that's why Jesus died for us. Let yourself be covered by His Grace :]

    Love you, sweetheart. And here's another virtual hug from me. *hug*


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