Monday, December 5, 2011

call me insecure

 http://kids.baristanet.com/files/2010/10/leftout.jpg

I need your guys's reassurance right now.




I get attached very easily. I love people easily. I'm always willing to be someone's friend, to hang out, to give them the benefit of the doubt even if I don't like them much. I'll listen to them, help them out, whatever.



I just wish for once someone would do the same for me.


Maybe it's from being an unsocialized scary homeschooler. But I always read in the books where people would have friends that they always hung out with and would do anything for. And I've never had that.


People always have other friends. I know people and am able to get on an acquaintance level with almost everyone. I can always walk up and start a conversation with people. They tolerate me.


But they always have their own people that they sort of "target" out. They always gravitate to a specific group of people, and they talk about their school, their activities, whatever they have in common, I do try to sort of wiggle my way in, but I always feel like an outcast.


This is an on/off thing by the way. One week I find someone to hang out with and I feel like a part of the group, Other days I feel like the loneliest person in the world.


On the occasion I do find someone, most of the time, it's for a temporary while and we never see each other again. More often, I find out that they aren't who I thought they were and I have to leave.


Most of the time,  they're just not there. They're busy, with orchestra and schoolwork and dance and I try not to resent them for it though.

Loneliness is a cold feeling. It doesn't make me particularly sad right away. I'm feeling it right now, and I'll try to describe it to you. It's like when someone with cold hands touches you. Sort of like a cold little animal gnawing on your stomach. It's also incredibly weakening, to smile and laugh and look pleasant and be polite, when inside I'm dying.

I'm not obnoxious. I always try to keep a calm head and don't make weird noises or freak about about fandoms. I think I'm funny. I think I'm smart. I think I'm nice. I think I'm pretty/attractive. I think I'm an amazing person to know.

Apparently other people don't think so, and it affects the way I see myself.

I'll admit it now. That's why I love staying at home on the internet or reading rather than going to social situations. Internet/reading is kind of like a distraction or a facade. On the internet, I can pretend I'm popular, I'm friendly, I give advice,I'm smart, everybody loves me, who wouldn't? When I'm reading I can disappear into the world I'm reading about and I become someone else.

When I'm out with other people I feel the truth. To them, I'm mildly interesting. Tolerably attractive. Nice and friendly, but nothing unique. Jokes/witticisms fall flat.

This is what I have to remind myself to remember. I can only be my own person. I cannot account for how other people treat me or see me. I have absolutely NO control over whether or not people like me or hate me. The only thing I can do is be the best person I can be and trust. God made me who I'm meant to be. There's a reason I'm on this earth. Somehow, somewhere, I'll make a difference to someone.

And I can't waste time worrying about who likes me, who will be my friend. He will give me whoever he wants me to be around.

I say these things, but I can't say I truly understand them or feel peace with them yet. I'm working on it.

Pray for me.




okay, I read this post over, it's angsty. Sorry about that. Please don't feel like I'm trying to make everybody feel sorry for me or stroke my ego. I just need to write this to express myself. You don't need to tell me I'm amazing or awesome or whatever. Just pray that I'll finally be mature enough to come to grips with that truth I just wrote ^^.

and yes, this post was triggered by a specific event. I used to think one person was the most amazing, funniest, best artist in the world. I looked up to her to the point of idolatry. It was the best time of my life when she decided I could be her friend. She's still my friend, but as I've gotten to know her better I guess I'm disillusioned. She still likes me..i think. i still like her. I just have to add her to my prayer list...sigh.

 

14 comments:

  1. i will pray, darling. but just know, you're not alone. this happened to me all of my early years in life. i think it changed when i started interning at camp and going to teen court and things like that. they know me better than my best friend knows me and she's know me since i was a fetus. my friends at camp, haley, for example, know me better than i know myself, and that came to be in the course of one week. one week and almost fifteen years...that's a pretty big difference.
    i love to be people's friends. i love listening to them and hearing what they have to say. i love hearing their problems and helping them fix them. i love to be around them. sometimes i tend to follow them a bit much, but that's just who i am, because i love people. especially haley. she's my big sister/best friend. we always have something to say to one another. she's kind of my mom in a way.
    anywho, i will let you know that one day you're going to find someone who feels the same way for you. maybe it'll be your husband, i don't know. but they will be all those things you are to your friends, and both of you will be absolutely ecstatic. ask God for a true friend? He'll give it to you.
    long comment.. sorry. :))
    -jocee <3

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  2. Oh I so so so understand. You know, its almost odd just how much I get you right now...just last night, this was all I was thinking about; you are absolutely NOT alone!! Anyway, I love you girl, and if you ever need to talk, I'm always around! Maybe that's weird of me to offer, but I know that now and then we all just need a friend :) I'll be praying for ya.
    ~Lauren

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  3. I love you, sweetheart :) And I'll be praying... not to sound like some all-knowing comforter consultant or something, but....... I totally get you. That's been a major part of my life. *sigh/sad face*

    But therefore, I know exactly how to pray for you! *slaps on happy face*

    Sorry, it's late and I need to sleep. I should get off of here before I do something super-goofy.

    I'll be praying for you tonight <3

    Just remember one thing.... it's easy to forget or dismiss..... but God makes no mistakes. And He made no mistakes when He made you.

    I just wanted you to know that.

    Okay, I really am going to bed now......

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  4. Girl, just come live by me. I promise you'll NEVER be lonely! ;)

    But I know how you feel. I have my one /best/ friend, and then a few okay friends. I have one friend from dance and a couple from orchestra. But I only see these people ONCE A WEEK. I don't see them every day, I don't see them sometimes for weeks because our lives are busy. Even my best friend (Chibi and/or Maryanna) I don't see for weeks!!!! I haven't seen Chibi since Thursday, nor Maryanna since that day.
    It's hard. Especially when people get 'cliquey' and only want to have their little groups. I HATE cliques. Seriously, I grew up feeling like you do.
    I went to a private school for most of my childhood, and that school was all about the cliques. I was weird before it was cool to be weird. XD I loved things like Disney and movies and dolls, when people my age were getting into BOYS. How stupid. XD (just saying...)
    So I was very constantly the odd one out. My advice would to be just pray that God would send you a friend. I did that probably a couple of years ago....I was really upset that I didn't have a BEST FRIEND like was advertised in books and movies and TV and such. I would have dreams of best friends who loved Star Wars and were fangirls and all that....and then God sent me Maryanna. We were just okay friends until our good friend (I'll call her Hermione), Hermione moved away. Hermione was probably my best friend. We were born three days apart, and we had a lot in common. We were the oldest siblings, we had crazy families, we liked a lot of the same things....(Including the same boy....but that's not the point.) XD
    But when Hermione moved away, I was back to feeling lonely. Then Maryanna and her sister came over for a Valentine's day party we had a few years back....and it all fell into place. :) She saw the Star Wars posters in my room.....and she saw a picture of Matt Lanter. She asked who the hot guy was, and I told her that he did the voice of Anakin in TCW.
    The rest is history. I ended up spending the next hour and a half explaining the story of Star Wars to Maryanna, and she went home and watched the movies.
    Now we're best friends. It's really a "God Thing" that we're so close....I was feeling extremely lonely like you are for a long time.

    So don't give up. Just when things seem to be bad....God can make them perfect. :)

    And remember, you've got 80+ best friends on TLF who love you a lot. <3
    Including me. I'm praying for you sister, and I'll probably email you to check up on you. XD

    *hugs*
    Love,
    JC <333

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  5. we are so alike. i have attachment issues as well. i hate being alone and whenever someones nice to me i tend to leach onto them. very strong post by the way. if u ever need to talk i'm around. HUGS!!!!! SMILES!!!!! :)

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  6. I totally understand. I've felt like that so many times and still feel like that every once in a while. I always wanted that best friend too. I have gone through a lot of best friends many of which I have become very close to and then kind of just drifted apart from to where we barely talk, and I think the reason for that is that I have needed a different kind of friend for each stage of my life that I have been through up to this point. And also, because people change. I think this is just part of growing up though. Everyone (even the ones you least expect) feels insecure at some point. We're trying to figure out who we are and where we fit in the world. I always have to laugh(at least inwardly) when I hear "these are the best years of your life" because if these are the best, I don't want to see the worst. lol.

    I will pray for you, and I love you! :)

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  7. I'll be praying for you!!!!!

    I know how you feel....I felt that way for the longest time. And I sometimes still do. But I know God will be working everything out....I just might never know until heaven. :)

    But, I am praying for you. For sure.

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  8. I will pray for you Amaranthine.
    You have no idea how much I know how you're feeling right now.
    I've kind of always been an oddball. I never fit into one group of people, I'm just a drifting loner.
    However, it's gotten better. I finally found those two or three people who I really identify with. But I had to hunt them down and sift through lots and lots of people to find them.

    Trust me, all of this gets better.

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  9. Sometimes, I know how you feel. I'm the homeschooler who doesn't participate in any group activities, I no longer (at the moment anyway) do dance, I geek out over weird stuff, and pretty much everyone I know are just people who know of me, and I'm like "yeah I know that person... maybe not everything about that person, but I know them". It gets really boring and frustrating, not to mention lonely. I will definately be praying for you. Unlike you, I have one, very special friend. She has been my best friend for 10 years, and I know I can always rely on her and she can rely on me; even though she lives 45 minutes away, goes to a school that's over an hour away, and is busy pretty much 24/7. I know God will bring someone like that into your life. Someone who will be your best friend forever.

    Just remember; God is the best friend any of us will ever have.

    ~Autumn
    MTFBWY

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  10. I'll gladly pray for you.
    I'm so glad someone feels the same way as me. Well, not glad for your sake, just knowing I'm not alone.
    See, at least you're homeschooled. I have no excuse.
    I have friends, but I don't really fit in with them. I don't fit in with the people I want to fit in with.
    I miss having a best friend, ah, those were the days.
    And since I'm so old, it's hard to make a ton of new best friends and really fit in anywhere, so for me I always feel there's no hope.
    That's one reason why I can't wait for college, because basically everyone is starting over.
    Well, this post was super relatable and I know exactly how you're feeling, unfortunately. Well hey, at least we all have blogger :)

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  11. Aww! Amaranthine, don't just try to look only for a best friend. If you hang out with someone you love or do something you love, friends will come. I stuck with my love of Star Wars, being myself and books and look where I am now! The Lake House, with 90 awesome girls who are just as much of a geek as I am! So don't worry, nothing's the end of the world. Well, if Ahsoka dies... never mind :)

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  12. I completely understand, I have the same problem. I have felt that way, especially when I'm around my peers- that is why I typically talk to adults easier then other teens. I don't know really what the reasoning is that some people are so well liked but I think it has to do with how they are or something like that. I have never understood why some people are so well liked and others, who are just as nice, get ignored. I'm sorry you have to deal with this, but from what I've seen of you(on the forums and your blog) you seem like a nice person who should have a lot friends. But I believe once we all become grown ups, it will get much better. :)

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  13. Hey, so I just read this and it made me think of you. THIS is why we feel different, perhaps? http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=the-unleashed-mind
    Because our brains are wired better! lol ;P

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  14. I understand you too. I've been in this exact place myself. I really don't have any "real" friends. Just acquaintances really, and I agree, they seem to just tolerate me and have "their friends" in which they tend to migrate to. I was in an acting class once, and usually when I got there early, I'd talk to the only other person there, and they would talk to me, but once someone else arrived they got up and left me. So yes, I get where you're coming from. ^_^

    ~Misty/May Kenobi66

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Amaranthine <3's you. Thanks for the comment!