Monday, December 5, 2011
call me insecure
I need your guys's reassurance right now.
I get attached very easily. I love people easily. I'm always willing to be someone's friend, to hang out, to give them the benefit of the doubt even if I don't like them much. I'll listen to them, help them out, whatever.
I just wish for once someone would do the same for me.
Maybe it's from being an unsocialized scary homeschooler. But I always read in the books where people would have friends that they always hung out with and would do anything for. And I've never had that.
People always have other friends. I know people and am able to get on an acquaintance level with almost everyone. I can always walk up and start a conversation with people. They tolerate me.
But they always have their own people that they sort of "target" out. They always gravitate to a specific group of people, and they talk about their school, their activities, whatever they have in common, I do try to sort of wiggle my way in, but I always feel like an outcast.
This is an on/off thing by the way. One week I find someone to hang out with and I feel like a part of the group, Other days I feel like the loneliest person in the world.
On the occasion I do find someone, most of the time, it's for a temporary while and we never see each other again. More often, I find out that they aren't who I thought they were and I have to leave.
Most of the time, they're just not there. They're busy, with orchestra and schoolwork and dance and I try not to resent them for it though.
Loneliness is a cold feeling. It doesn't make me particularly sad right away. I'm feeling it right now, and I'll try to describe it to you. It's like when someone with cold hands touches you. Sort of like a cold little animal gnawing on your stomach. It's also incredibly weakening, to smile and laugh and look pleasant and be polite, when inside I'm dying.
I'm not obnoxious. I always try to keep a calm head and don't make weird noises or freak about about fandoms. I think I'm funny. I think I'm smart. I think I'm nice. I think I'm pretty/attractive. I think I'm an amazing person to know.
Apparently other people don't think so, and it affects the way I see myself.
I'll admit it now. That's why I love staying at home on the internet or reading rather than going to social situations. Internet/reading is kind of like a distraction or a facade. On the internet, I can pretend I'm popular, I'm friendly, I give advice,I'm smart, everybody loves me, who wouldn't? When I'm reading I can disappear into the world I'm reading about and I become someone else.
When I'm out with other people I feel the truth. To them, I'm mildly interesting. Tolerably attractive. Nice and friendly, but nothing unique. Jokes/witticisms fall flat.
This is what I have to remind myself to remember. I can only be my own person. I cannot account for how other people treat me or see me. I have absolutely NO control over whether or not people like me or hate me. The only thing I can do is be the best person I can be and trust. God made me who I'm meant to be. There's a reason I'm on this earth. Somehow, somewhere, I'll make a difference to someone.
And I can't waste time worrying about who likes me, who will be my friend. He will give me whoever he wants me to be around.
I say these things, but I can't say I truly understand them or feel peace with them yet. I'm working on it.
Pray for me.
okay, I read this post over, it's angsty. Sorry about that. Please don't feel like I'm trying to make everybody feel sorry for me or stroke my ego. I just need to write this to express myself. You don't need to tell me I'm amazing or awesome or whatever. Just pray that I'll finally be mature enough to come to grips with that truth I just wrote ^^.
and yes, this post was triggered by a specific event. I used to think one person was the most amazing, funniest, best artist in the world. I looked up to her to the point of idolatry. It was the best time of my life when she decided I could be her friend. She's still my friend, but as I've gotten to know her better I guess I'm disillusioned. She still likes me..i think. i still like her. I just have to add her to my prayer list...sigh.
Posted by Amaranthine at 9:11 PM