Wednesday, February 8, 2012

silence is golden but duct tape is silver

Stuff I hate:

1. Drama
2. Problems

This week has been one of the hardest in a long time. I cried yesterday and the day before. Sometimes I just can't get up in the morning. This has been a very long half-week of suckfest that began last Friday, and I can't wait for it to be over.

I feel strange. I don't feel like me.  I think I'm going crazy. This situation has changed me so much.  Usually, I'm good humored, eternally patient, levelheaded, and enjoy writing snappy, inspirational emails/posts. I usually enjoy counseling people and helping them through their problems, and thrive off drama, whether fictional or in real life.

But today, I don't feel like laughing at anything, I snap at everyone and make everything into an argument, I feel like alternately yelling or bursting into tears but I don't have the energy. And I only made myself write this post because I can't express my feelings any other way. (all my rant-buddies are either too involved with the problem or probably sick of my rants). I have written email after email after email after email. I don't want to read my email or check the-forum-of-eternal-torment or chat or IM with anybody.

I have to though.

I usually depend on God for strength, and I did the first couple days, but I can feel myself slowly sinking into my circumstances again. It doesn't seem to work. I have seen it too many times: Every day, it starts to get better, but by the time I wake up the next day, all heck has broke loose again.

And I know about God. I know to depend on him as strength, his will will carry out, this is all a test, God uses trials to make us better people, etc. And it would work if my problems were intense and short. But this goes on day. after day. after day. and all I know is I should be some kinda superchristian by now.

The problems themselves, at least on the surface, have been fixed, but all the emotional repercussions are coming back. And the problems have hurt other people and they're taking actions that I can't blame them for, but they still hurt.

I can't tell anybody else about what I'm going through, other than what I know already. They won't understand. But this is a heavy burden that just weighs me down throughout the day and has me on the verge of tears. I'm just too worn out.

Here are some songs that have helped me out, if you're into that sort of thing:


Don't suggest an internet break, btw. That's not an option. These problems will be over someday. Doesn't seem like it though. And I'll never be the same.




7 comments:

  1. :( *hugs*

    ngl, when my friend was diagnosed with depression, she described her life as being very similar to what you've written here. And I know that's how I felt at the beginning of the school year when I was hit with some really hard stuff irl (and I was worried I was depressed as well, but as far as I can tell it was just an extremely rough patch).

    Are you sure there's no one you can talk to? Do you think a therapist might help (the therapists at my university's health center helped me a lot at the beginning of this year)? Or maybe writing everything down in a private journal where you can rant and cry to your heart's content and not worry about being judged? That's helped me before as well; sometimes just getting it all out on paper is enough to allow me to work through my emotions, and since no one but me will read it I don't have to worry about sounding weird or being judged.

    I know we haven't ever been especially close, but if you want to talk you can always send me a message on TLF, or I can give you my email (since I always have my email open). I know how much it sucks to feel like you're alone and ignored or have no one to turn to. I mean, it's great that God is always there for us, but sometimes it's nice to talk to someone physical as well. So seriously, if you want to talk I am here to listen. I promise, there is nothing you could tell me that would shock me or make me judge you. :)

    *hugs* I'm praying for you, and I hope you feel better soon. I love you girl, and things will get better eventually.

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  2. THIS IS SO HOW I'VE FELT ALL DAY TODAY!!

    I think it might have something to do with my leaving of TLH, but I've felt emotional distressed all day, and I've no idea why.

    I'm sure glad God is my strength, because otherwise, I'd be mentally (and emotionally) insane by now.

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  3. I'm praying for you!! And I felt slightly like this all last week, so I kind of understand how you're feeling.

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  4. Hey, I'm always here for you and never tired of rants. ;) I'll even let you rant about certain people if you feel so inclined, no matter how much it hurts my feelings. XD
    Plus, we can talk about Dance Moms together. :D

    Sarah, your comment was so sweet! XD I am all teary eyed. :')

    Amaranthine, I know better than anyone just how you feel with everything that's been going on. I'm healing up pretty quickly from all this (by God's mighty hand I'm sure) and that's probably for the reason of me being able to be there for you. :) You WILL be okay. and you're right, an internet break and/or running away from the problem is NOT the answer. :P

    Hang in there, I love you and I'm praying for you.

    <333

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  5. Oh, Amaranthine! :( I know what you mean. A certain forum has been splitting my hairs, and I'm not even a mod. But I still love it. And I still love you and everyone else, even though they make me nutty sometimes. If you need to rant or talk or whatever PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE e-mail me. Do not even hesitate for one moment. autumnbreeze6991@gmail.com
    I don't mind IMs full of rant and rage either. ;) I'm here for you LH sis. :) I'll listen to anything, and take it to the grave if you want me to. <3

    ~Tahiri/Autumn

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  6. it'll be ok. i promise. everything will be all right. always remember that no matter what the problems do to u that there are people who love and care for you. they will help and be there to listen to your every need. hugs!!!!!! :)

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  7. Hello! I'm a new blogger/writer and I just added myself to your followers for support! Maybe you could come follow me too?
    Thanks so much!
    Emily, from http://emilymmeyers.blogspot.com/

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Amaranthine <3's you. Thanks for the comment!