This week has been one of the hardest in a long time. I cried yesterday and the day before. Sometimes I just can't get up in the morning. This has been a very long half-week of suckfest that began last Friday, and I can't wait for it to be over.
I feel strange. I don't feel like me. I think I'm going crazy. This situation has changed me so much. Usually, I'm good humored, eternally patient, levelheaded, and enjoy writing snappy, inspirational emails/posts. I usually enjoy counseling people and helping them through their problems, and thrive off drama, whether fictional or in real life.
But today, I don't feel like laughing at anything, I snap at everyone and make everything into an argument, I feel like alternately yelling or bursting into tears but I don't have the energy. And I only made myself write this post because I can't express my feelings any other way. (all my rant-buddies are either too involved with the problem or probably sick of my rants). I have written email after email after email after email. I don't want to read my email or check the-forum-of-eternal-torment or chat or IM with anybody.
I have to though.
I usually depend on God for strength, and I did the first couple days, but I can feel myself slowly sinking into my circumstances again. It doesn't seem to work. I have seen it too many times: Every day, it starts to get better, but by the time I wake up the next day, all heck has broke loose again.
And I know about God. I know to depend on him as strength, his will will carry out, this is all a test, God uses trials to make us better people, etc. And it would work if my problems were intense and short. But this goes on day. after day. after day. and all I know is I should be some kinda superchristian by now.
The problems themselves, at least on the surface, have been fixed, but all the emotional repercussions are coming back. And the problems have hurt other people and they're taking actions that I can't blame them for, but they still hurt.
I can't tell anybody else about what I'm going through, other than what I know already. They won't understand. But this is a heavy burden that just weighs me down throughout the day and has me on the verge of tears. I'm just too worn out.
Here are some songs that have helped me out, if you're into that sort of thing:
Don't suggest an internet break, btw. That's not an option. These problems will be over someday. Doesn't seem like it though. And I'll never be the same.